Tag Archives: parenting guidelines

Choices

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Learn how you can feel loved and confident in all your choices by watching these life-changing Real Love Boot Camp DVDs.

“I LOVED Real Love Boot Camp. I’m looking forward to many more hours and days spent with all the people in the Real Love community!”
Gi’Gi L., Carlsbad, California

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You Are Not Garbage

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Jerry had been studying Real Love for several months and practicing the principles with his wife, Marge.

“I just keep screwing it up,” Jerry said. “I know the right thing to do, but when Marge starts in with criticizing me, it’s like I go to pieces. I feel like such a . . .”

“Screw up?” I asked.

Jerry hung his head and nodded.

“Stupid?”

Another nod.

“When you make mistakes,” I said, “you feel like garbage, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“You’re not garbage.”

“I don’t know how you can say that,” Jerry said. “I can say some pretty ugly things to her.”

“And each time you get angry at her, how do you feel first? When Marge criticizes you, how do you feel about yourself?”

I feel terrible. Worthless.

“Like garbage?”

“Yeah.”

“So you feel like garbage, because Marge is telling you with her criticism and her tone that you are garbage, right?”

“Yes.”

“And the only reason you’d believe that message is if the people you trusted early in your life—almost certainly your parents—communicated to you that when you made mistakes, they thought you were garbage and made you feel bad about it. Still true?”

“Yes.”

“I have the advantage of not being in the conflict. I’m not afraid, and I don’t have an agenda, so I can see what is really happening. Do you believe that?”

“That makes sense.”

“When you make mistakes, YOU are NOT garbage, but you’ve had so many people tell you that you are, that you believe them when you make mistakes. Then, hearing that you are garbage makes you feel unloved and afraid, and you respond in ways to protect yourself. The ways you respond to your fears ARE garbage—in that they are unloving and unproductive—but it’s your past judgments and FEARS that are garbage, not YOU. See the difference?”

You are not garbage, but when you made mistakes, many people convinced you that you were less worthwhile—garbage. Then you learned to respond with behaviors that ARE garbage, and many people use those responses to prove that you’re garbage. Ironically, those are often the very people that falsely convinced you that you were garbage in the first place, the same people who made you afraid and taught you to respond to your fears in unproductive way—garbage.

We must begin to associate with people who see us as being more than our mistakes, who can see who we really are and help us to break our falsely negative opinions of ourselves. When that can happen, our fears disappear, and our harmful reactions disappear with them.

Become a member of RealLove.com to find the unconditional love and support you need to transform your life into the happy, worthy-feeling life you deserve.

“Becoming a member of the Real Love website was the most important decision I made in changing my life. It opened the doors to the happy and fulfilling life I am now living.”
Laurisa B., Utah

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Take The Risks

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Become a member of RealLove.com to get the love and support you need while you’re making mistakes and learning how to find the love and genuine happiness you’ve always wanted.

“One of my favorite things to do while enjoying my morning coffee is to go on the Real Love Membership site and listen to one of Greg’s Video Chats. Getting the Membership has enriched my life in so many ways.”
David M., Hayward, California

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Choose To Be Grateful

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Watch “A Changed Perspective + Gratitude = Happiness” to learn how you can transform your life right now.

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Jumping In Cold Water

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Morgan called me to describe how unhappy he was with his life: marriage, kids, career, everything. I made some suggestions, but the next week when I talked to him, he hadn’t done anything different.

“I seem to remember,” I said, “that you told me that you were not happy with your life.”

“Yes,” he said.

“And yet you’re not doing anything about it.” Specifically, he hadn’t attended his local Real Love group, nor had he made any phone or email contact with people in the Real Love community.

“I don’t see how making a phone call will make any difference.”

“You don’t have to understand it. You just have to do it, because only then will you see what I’m talking about. I could explain it to you all day, but you wouldn’t feel what it’s like to be loved. You don’t understand how an internal combustion engine works, either, but you still drive your car.”

He committed to do more, but the next week he still hadn’t done anything significant. He’d read a little in one of the books, but he’d made no contacts with people.

“So imagine,” I said, “that you’re living on the east side of a river. It’s desolate. There is nothing to eat, no water, nothing green. It’s barren and deadly.”

“Okay.”

“Sounds kind of like your life, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does.”

“On the west side of the river everything is green and beautiful, and there is an abundance of food, both plant and animal. Naturally, you’d like to get to the other side.”

“Sure.”

“But the river is deep, swift, and cold. It’s also the only way to the west side, where all the life is. You could dip your toe into the water all day—which is what you do by reading the Real Love books—but that won’t even begin to get you to the other side. Eventually, you’ll have to jump into the cold water and swim. You’ll get cold, for sure. You’ll probably be afraid. You might even feel like you’re drowning.”

“But I hate where I am, so the risks are worth it. I might die, but essentially I’m already dead where I am.”

“You really are already dead. You have nothing to lose by swimming the river, but that doesn’t mean the river won’t still be cold. It will be strange too, and you’ll have to let go of the side of the ground where you’re standing. At times you’ll be frightened, but the only way for you to get to the other side—the only way you can find the happiness you want—is to jump into the cold water and swim. You’ll have to do things that are very unfamiliar and even uncomfortable. You’ll have to attend groups and tell the truth about yourself. You’ll have to make contacts with individuals by phone and in person, and some of them will not be loving, just as swimming in a river can be very difficult. Because of currents and turbulence, not every stroke you make will bring you closer to the opposite shore. So yes, I get the fear, but I also know that you’ll have to be uncomfortable before you can find what you want.”

“I can’t do it.”

“Sure you can. You may not want to do it, but you certainly can. You just have to eliminate that ‘I can’t’ attitude and simply begin. Make one call. Then another. Then attend group. And so on.”

And so it is for us all. We all want our lives to be better, but we don’t want any discomfort in the process—which is impossible. Jump in the cold water—and swim.

Take the first step toward the happy life you deserve—and get the love and support you’ve always wanted—by becoming a member of RealLove.com.

“Real Love changed not only my life, but the lives of both my children. I love being a part of this community!”
Catherine M., Tonasket, Washington

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Blazing A Lifegiving Path

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Find and learn how to share Real Love—and help change the world—by visiting the Finding Real Love page.

“Finding Real Love has quite literally transformed me, my marriage, my relationship with my children and actually – my whole life.”
Pete U., UK

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Quiet Kids?

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Learn 9 simple and powerfully effective principles to help you become the loving parent you’ve always wanted to be by reading or listening to Real Love in Parenting.

“I did not know how to help my children. But now I do. Real Love in Parenting has given me everything I was missing as a parent.”

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They Are Not The Problem

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Lisa called to tell me that her supervisors at work were terribly unfair. They were blocking her advanced certification in one specialty skill, they were not answering her e-mails, and they treated her differently from other employees. She could not believe how she was being victimized by everyone around her.

I asked her to describe any specific interaction between her and her immediate supervisor, Annette. She described a team meeting where Annette introduced a new policy/process that would be implemented in their department.

“How did you feel about the new policy?” I asked.

“I didn’t think it would work.”

“And did you communicate that to Annette?”

“Yes. I didn’t think she understood the effect it would have on how we’re doing things already. So I pointed that out and asked a bunch of questions.”

“I’m sure you did. And because of your choice of words and your tone of voice, she felt attacked.”

“I wasn’t attacking her.”

“You were.”

“How do you know?”

“Do you like her?”

“Not really.”

“Do you like the way she runs the department?”

“No.”

“Do you like the way she treats you?”

“No.”

“There is no way—none at all—that you hide those feelings when you talk to her. Impossible. And she doesn’t like it, so she would treat you differently.”

I asked some questions about her advanced certification, and it turned out that Lisa had tried to go around Annette to higher supervisors in order to get assistance in reaching her goal. Understandably, Annette was quite unhappy with being circumvented in this way.

“Do you see now,” I asked, “how you have created this whole mess?”

“Kind of,” she said.

“Until you see it all clearly, you’ll keep doing it. You don’t like Annette. You don’t hide that feeling nearly as well as you think. Then you undermined her authority, which is quite insulting to her—especially to someone who enjoys exercising power over other people. You’ve thoroughly communicated the I don’t love you message to her, and, understandably, she doesn’t like that. She would then do whatever it took to protect herself, which might include hurting you.”

People rarely treat us badly for no reason. This does not justify their unkind behavior in any way, but we do need to be rigorously honest about how we have contributed to any unloving relationship. We can then make choices that will diminish our negative contribution, and often—certainly not always—this will improve our relationship with that person. Our honesty will always empower us to be more loving in future interactions.

Learn how to be happy and successful at work—and in every area of your life—by reading Real Love in the Workplace.

“This is the ultimate key to business success!”
Tony Hsu, Senior Manager, Nokia Academy Global, Shanghai, China

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Parenting Tip: Teach Children to be Generous by Giving to Charity

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words associated with charityWhen my children were growing up, I took such pleasure if they shared a toy or showed concern for an upset friend.

I wanted them to become adults who were kind and could make the world a better place. But I wasn’t sure how to make this happen.

If you want your kids to be concerned about others, this tip can help:

Make your children aware of others’ struggles by giving to charity.

You may think that your children are too young to get involved, but if done carefully, even young children can grow from such activities.

 

Children Benefit by Helping Others

Children experience the good feelings that come from knowing they have helped.

They feel important and capable because they see that they can make a difference in their world.

As they think about situations beyond themselves, they become less self-absorbed and more grateful for the things they have.

 

Children Need to be Taught How to Help

Most children are naturally self-centered and often are less giving than their parents would like them to be. Children need to be taught how to act generously.

To lead your children to be more kindhearted, you can guide them in charitable giving:

  • First, offer choices of charities that match their interests. My daughter loved animals so she donated to a local pet shelter.

  • Second, with younger children, the recipient may need to be clear. For example, you could bring canned goods to a local food kitchen so the children actually see where the donation is going.

  • Next, remember there are ways to give other than money. You can encourage your children to volunteer their time for a cause. My son was fascinated by sharks, so he volunteered his time at a local aquarium. Another child who is interested in the environment could participate in a community clean-up project.

  • Lastly, let your children know when you donate to a charity, either with your time or money. Modeling is one of the most important ways that parents teach their children how to behave.

    Talk about why you have chosen a particular charity. Discuss how your contribution will help and how you feel when you make such a donation. If appropriate, bring your children along when you donate your time to a cause you care about.

Children of all ages can benefit by learning that the more they give to others, the more they “get” – in terms of good feelings and knowing that they have made a difference in their world.

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Personal Development in Children and self body image

Mistakes Are Nothing

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Watch Stop Hating Making Mistakes to learn how you can feel peaceful and happy always.

 

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